Six or Seven Things
seven years after starting at University Baptist Church, I began to see the need for a change. The vast desk I had moved 3 times in seven years wasn't as symbolic as it used to be. The spacious office each preceding pastor occupied, seem more and more closet-like. Things that had been working were revealed as the things that were working me over.
I had ideas that were endorsed by committees but actually became more things for me to do. I had always been expected to do things that weren't my ideas. When I had ideas, they were supported as long as I continued doing the things that weren't my ideas. I also had to figure out how to advance my ideas without the help of people expecting me to accomplish the things that weren't my ideas.
So...I came up with an idea of moving office space to the basement of a blue house at the back of the property. It really was the beginning of the end of my time at the church. I didn't know it but those months in that basement set the course for a new direction. If I think about it, the basement of the Blue House was an exodus four years in the making.
The basement was full of discarded furniture, games and ministry remnants in 2009. Sacred cows' bones lived down there and disturbing the dust that settled was ill-advised. Each year, a bit of the time capsule was unearthed, fondly recollected and thrown, given or taken away. By 2016 the basement was swept and clean, save mouse droppings that accumulated each winter. Nature abhors a vacuum and my misery filled the downstairs area. I began scrounging furniture and equipment to build an office space.
A door laid across two file cabinets made up the desk. I found a swivel chair for $3, space heater and chalkboard to begin capturing what had stopped coming to me: ideas. Unlike the pastoral office, the basement was not an aquarium for passersby. There were windows but it took a tour around the back of the house and a squat to look in and see what was going on. Transparency and isolation were rolled into one; and the ideas came.
I recalled the hopeless reality of Japanese auto manufacturers at the end of World War II. Sixty years after being internationally humiliated, they were the dominant global auto sales leaders. Recalling the Harvard Business Review case studies from Howard University, and empathizing with the seemingly hopeless Japanese reality, gave me hope in my work. A profound loneliness gripped me in the pastorate because I felt embedded in a congregational culture. "Do these six or seven things and we'll be satisfied."
At the outset, the list of things seemed simple enough to leave plenty of time for more of the things I found interesting. Surely, if I showed my interest in things the people valued, reciprocity would follow. Sometimes that was the case but often the time and energy getting six or seven things done left me bitter. Paying the rent was not a church growth strategy.
Rather, doing what was expected of me resulted in an ever dwindling number of people's satisfaction. Evident decline was hitched to my inability to fulfill expectations. "You're not doing the six or seven things the right way." Heartbreak over things that weren't working drove me to pursue things that were working.
My brain cells still worked and so did my prayer life. I began to pray and think in that basement. Writing became part of the work as well. Before long, I didn't care about the six or seven things and there weren't as many people around to ask about the things. When you don't care about paying the rent, it's time to move out. The Blue House basement was a banana peel and the pastoral office was a grave. Descending those steps spelled the death of my time at UBC.
It also initiated the beginning of a great adventure. What follows is one of the reflections the Spirit gave to me when I was down there. I cannot go back to that place; you can never go home. But that basement was home for me, for a few months. I had the opportunity to see the Lord move and to exchange expectations for execution. Things got done because I was compelled by the Spirit to do them. The longer I was down there, the louder the Lord's voice became in my ears. Six or seven things the Spirit said to do had little resemblance to the six or seven things tied to a paycheck.
I haven't been paid for what follows but what I heard down there is still paying.
What has the performance been so far?
I have been frustrated with worship planning since arriving. Efforts to communicate and plan have led to sabotage and profound dissatisfaction. I have perceived sabotage and overt rejection of music precious to me. Distrust has resulted. Driving me to outrage seems like a game with different people taking turns. Men are complicit and women are ring leaders. Mental illness among antagonists is also a factor.
Is it good enough?
No. The back and forth has pushed me to find solutions and satisfaction outside of the church family. Missionary models, support raising, Balance leadership and collegial groups have all given relief but a need to find relief from congregational realities is telling. My health has been affected; my wife suspects depression; our children see me as stuck in a dead end job; Sunday mornings are deeply depressing / disappointing for me. Sundays seem just fine to a dwindling core at UBC. :(
• Is there anything in place that would make it different?
Student ministry innovations bring me satisfaction. Affecting Sunday morning is doubtful but spending more time on campus and in direct ministry with students has helped. Balance has also proven a haven...a place I can worship authentically and without fear of rejection. Things in place that make differences have been the results of prayer and prompt obedience. Letting something languish has resulted in lost opportunities.
• If not, am I willing to sign up for more of the same?
There are things that are different and I am not willing to sign up for more of the same. Avoiding Sunday morning singing is a way to avoid more of the same. Trying to insert new music opens a door for more of the same. Leaving and pursuing student ministry may provide less of the same. Perhaps InterVarsity is a way out.
Cloud goes on to elaborate on the difference between hope and hopelessness:
Naudia and I began retiring consumer debt in 2009, using a combination of Crown Financial and Dave Ramsey. Opportunities to buy real estate, accept no interest loans and take out credit cards could have slowed us down. Each decision was benchmarked against the lessons learned in debt-free coaching. Sometimes we made wrong decisions but we learned from them. A thing we discovered was that "cash curtails crazy."
When a purchase has to be paid in cash, it helps us think. "Is this something we really need to do? Is there another way to get the same thing done? What are other options to consider in place of making this purchase?" Maintaining a debt free lifestyle has allowed us to say 'no' to things without as much fear of repercussions.
I had ideas that were endorsed by committees but actually became more things for me to do. I had always been expected to do things that weren't my ideas. When I had ideas, they were supported as long as I continued doing the things that weren't my ideas. I also had to figure out how to advance my ideas without the help of people expecting me to accomplish the things that weren't my ideas.
So...I came up with an idea of moving office space to the basement of a blue house at the back of the property. It really was the beginning of the end of my time at the church. I didn't know it but those months in that basement set the course for a new direction. If I think about it, the basement of the Blue House was an exodus four years in the making.
The basement was full of discarded furniture, games and ministry remnants in 2009. Sacred cows' bones lived down there and disturbing the dust that settled was ill-advised. Each year, a bit of the time capsule was unearthed, fondly recollected and thrown, given or taken away. By 2016 the basement was swept and clean, save mouse droppings that accumulated each winter. Nature abhors a vacuum and my misery filled the downstairs area. I began scrounging furniture and equipment to build an office space.
A door laid across two file cabinets made up the desk. I found a swivel chair for $3, space heater and chalkboard to begin capturing what had stopped coming to me: ideas. Unlike the pastoral office, the basement was not an aquarium for passersby. There were windows but it took a tour around the back of the house and a squat to look in and see what was going on. Transparency and isolation were rolled into one; and the ideas came.
I recalled the hopeless reality of Japanese auto manufacturers at the end of World War II. Sixty years after being internationally humiliated, they were the dominant global auto sales leaders. Recalling the Harvard Business Review case studies from Howard University, and empathizing with the seemingly hopeless Japanese reality, gave me hope in my work. A profound loneliness gripped me in the pastorate because I felt embedded in a congregational culture. "Do these six or seven things and we'll be satisfied."
At the outset, the list of things seemed simple enough to leave plenty of time for more of the things I found interesting. Surely, if I showed my interest in things the people valued, reciprocity would follow. Sometimes that was the case but often the time and energy getting six or seven things done left me bitter. Paying the rent was not a church growth strategy.
Rather, doing what was expected of me resulted in an ever dwindling number of people's satisfaction. Evident decline was hitched to my inability to fulfill expectations. "You're not doing the six or seven things the right way." Heartbreak over things that weren't working drove me to pursue things that were working.
My brain cells still worked and so did my prayer life. I began to pray and think in that basement. Writing became part of the work as well. Before long, I didn't care about the six or seven things and there weren't as many people around to ask about the things. When you don't care about paying the rent, it's time to move out. The Blue House basement was a banana peel and the pastoral office was a grave. Descending those steps spelled the death of my time at UBC.
It also initiated the beginning of a great adventure. What follows is one of the reflections the Spirit gave to me when I was down there. I cannot go back to that place; you can never go home. But that basement was home for me, for a few months. I had the opportunity to see the Lord move and to exchange expectations for execution. Things got done because I was compelled by the Spirit to do them. The longer I was down there, the louder the Lord's voice became in my ears. Six or seven things the Spirit said to do had little resemblance to the six or seven things tied to a paycheck.
I haven't been paid for what follows but what I heard down there is still paying.
Steps for Spirit Manifesting in Self
- Friends with the Dead: Read biographies
- Needed lessons surpass the time I have for experiential learning. Mining other people's lives, remembering that authors have agendas, helps me save time. I long to hear dead people's stories, more than the living. Reputation and spin may be less interesting once concern about peers fades. I also enjoy discovering individuals through reading.
- Napoleon Hill speaks of the Mastermind. Most of his advisors were dead, yet they spoke to him in helpful ways. Most Biblical characters are in graves but they can speak to me in helpful ways. Rereading their lives and work provides guidance.
- Be a Learner: Write what I learn
- Writing allows me to hear my thoughts, distill what I'm learning and hold ground gained.
- Passage of thought from my head to my hands is a best practice. I only have to do it once but it can be absorbed and recycled perpetually. What I write is also truly mine. Readers can recognize an author's voice, as Stephen King described in On Writing. Biblical interpreters can still tell the difference between one school's writing style and another; between one author's voice and another. Posthumous articulation is difficult to pull off but writers speak beyond the grave by using their lives to pass thought from head to hands.
- Not every thought needs to be written. Placing many thoughts in the margin and plucking the ones most immediately useful is prosperity. Leaving unhelpful, short term thoughts undeveloped fills a savings account. At any time, an author can revisit the vault of undeveloped ideas to try again. They'll still be there with notes or prompts that may bring a decades old train of thought back in an instant. Some things were enigmatic when scribbled in the margin and still puzzling when rediscovered. It only takes one marginal thought's match to start a blaze of appreciation for idea hording.
- Reading a biography and allowing my thoughts to be altered is time intensive. An investment of self will produce results but underestimating the importance of the ground gained is a form of erosion. Writing plants a flag on the tableland of expanded thinking. "I've been here and plan to return. Even if I don't come back, these keystrokes are evidence I've been here." What is the use of improving thinking through reading only to lose momentum with each sunset? Writing is freeze dried progress.
- Tick Tock: Set 60 minute timer
- What gets measured, gets done...when I know I have a deadline, things go more smoothly. Since college, I've often said, "This would have been a great paper / project / assignment if I gave it more time." Hurtling toward a deadline brings clarity. Setting a timer brings the urgency into writing on a regular basis.
- We count what we value...as I age, the ways I spend my days and nights matter more. Time is of the essence and wasting it matters more than it used to. Taking an hour to pass thought through my hands produces greater benefit than a thoughtless hour. For example, I am leveraging a train of thought from 2017 right now. I wrote down six words / terms and have been set into a wide open space. What is more exciting than writing with a timer is writing without a timer.
- Athletes wear weights during training so that when the weights are removed the muscles are stronger. A timer is a weight, teaching me how to get it on the page. When I am given opportunity to write without an eye on the clock, I find the writing muscle strengthened for delicious undertakings. Chronos changes to kairos but harnessing the metamorphosis requires fitness.
- Christian: Share what I'm learning in community (2-3 gathered)
- For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them." (Mt 18:20) Jesus' transfiguration, water walking and miraculous feedings included witnesses. We know of the earthquake at Calvary because authors testified. What comes through hands from the head is not meant only for me. I am supposed to share and contribute to a collective. Church is an intuitive community but "Your Trusted Voice" is another. Rejection is part of the risk of community. Not everyone wants to read what I write. Feeling the sting of rejection helps me form the mind of Christ. "He came unto his own but his own received him not."
- Embedded in the Great Commission is a teaching mandate. Sharing what I learn makes me a teacher.
- Get Hopeless: Apply writing to hoped for reality (unseen)
- Henry Cloud, in Necessary Endings describes the "Anatomy of Hope"
An example of getting hopeless was University Baptist Church. I used some of Cloud's questions on page 95 to analyze my situation in 2017.
- When you consider the past and come to grips with the fact that it is hopeless to expect something different in the future, then you have the kind of hopelessness that will motivate you to move from mere wishing to real hope. How do you get to this hopelessness? As we saw above, take the past performance of the person, business or whatever and project it into the future: Do I want this same reality, frustration or problem six months from now? Do I want this same level of performance a year from now? Do I want to be having these same conversations two years from now? If the answer is no, then it is time to ask some other questions that get you to the real anatomy of hope: What reason is there to have hope that tomorrow is going to be different? What in the picture is changing that I can believe in? (Cloud, 96)
What has the performance been so far?
I have been frustrated with worship planning since arriving. Efforts to communicate and plan have led to sabotage and profound dissatisfaction. I have perceived sabotage and overt rejection of music precious to me. Distrust has resulted. Driving me to outrage seems like a game with different people taking turns. Men are complicit and women are ring leaders. Mental illness among antagonists is also a factor.
Is it good enough?
No. The back and forth has pushed me to find solutions and satisfaction outside of the church family. Missionary models, support raising, Balance leadership and collegial groups have all given relief but a need to find relief from congregational realities is telling. My health has been affected; my wife suspects depression; our children see me as stuck in a dead end job; Sunday mornings are deeply depressing / disappointing for me. Sundays seem just fine to a dwindling core at UBC. :(
• Is there anything in place that would make it different?
Student ministry innovations bring me satisfaction. Affecting Sunday morning is doubtful but spending more time on campus and in direct ministry with students has helped. Balance has also proven a haven...a place I can worship authentically and without fear of rejection. Things in place that make differences have been the results of prayer and prompt obedience. Letting something languish has resulted in lost opportunities.
• If not, am I willing to sign up for more of the same?
There are things that are different and I am not willing to sign up for more of the same. Avoiding Sunday morning singing is a way to avoid more of the same. Trying to insert new music opens a door for more of the same. Leaving and pursuing student ministry may provide less of the same. Perhaps InterVarsity is a way out.
Cloud goes on to elaborate on the difference between hope and hopelessness:
- If you invest hope in their changing but they don't, you can waste more money, time, even years and not get anything in return for your misplaced trust, other than more misery and more failure. So the question is this: when can I have hope that a person is going to be different in the future than he is now or in the past? Answer: again, look for the objective reasons to hope, other than their saying "I'm sorry" or "I am committed this time." You needs a reason to believe." Here are nine objective factors to help you determine whether you can have hope that tomorrow will be any different from today: verifiable involvement in a proven change process, additional structure, monitoring systems, new experience and skills, self-sustaining motivation, admission of need, the presence of support, skilled help and some prior or current success. (Cloud, 101)
Naudia and I began retiring consumer debt in 2009, using a combination of Crown Financial and Dave Ramsey. Opportunities to buy real estate, accept no interest loans and take out credit cards could have slowed us down. Each decision was benchmarked against the lessons learned in debt-free coaching. Sometimes we made wrong decisions but we learned from them. A thing we discovered was that "cash curtails crazy."
When a purchase has to be paid in cash, it helps us think. "Is this something we really need to do? Is there another way to get the same thing done? What are other options to consider in place of making this purchase?" Maintaining a debt free lifestyle has allowed us to say 'no' to things without as much fear of repercussions.
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