It's Not You, It's Me

 "It's not you, it's me."

Getting dumped by a friend, lover or employer stings.  Rejection is rarely softened by platitudes.  Sometimes it's our fault and sometimes "It's not you," it really is them.  When things will never be the same, our emotions become scorched earth.

Scorched earth has an odor.  Sights and smells can trigger emotions unexpectedly.  Words can trigger us involuntarily.  Inconveniently we are reduced to insecurity, shame and suspicion over innocuous stimuli.  People in the room see the shift and may inquire.

They want to know why we're tearing up, sweating or just aren't ourselves.  Explaining our triggers takes too long, if they they can be explained at all.  Loyal friends and family will press a bit more because that's what loyalty elicits.  The vehicle we use to escape probing questions is held together with the duct tape of, "It's not you, it's me."

"It's not you, it's me," triggered me unexpectedly:

Then he was afraid, and he arose and ran for his life and came to Beersheba, which belongs to Judah, and left his servant there. ~ I Kings 19:3

 Elijah received a death threat, fled to Beersheba and left his servant there.  We never hear from his anonymous servant again.  One verse ends his story and such an abrupt exit triggered me.  I felt like he'd been dumped.

Dumped after the glorious victory against the prophets of Baal on Mt. Carmel; ghosted after witnessing the miraculous end of drought; benched after the daily grind of unmentioned biblical servitude.  On his way out of town, the servant may have heard Elijah say, "It's not you, it's me."

I'm going through some things right now and want my life to end...I've had enough and want to die...I have been absolutely loyal to the Lord, the sovereign God...but I feel all alone...someone is trying to kill me. ~ I Kings 19:4, 10

As far as we can tell, Elijah's servant was not suicidal or fearful; being left behind by someone who was may have been a gift.

The servant was left at Beersheba, a place first mentioned when Hagar was dumped by Abraham. Hagar may have heard Abraham say, "It's not you, it's me," before she laid Ishmael under a bush to die.  It was at Beersheba, after being ghosted, that her eyes were opened and she saw a well of water to save her son's life.  

Abraham was her baby daddy.

Perhaps Hagar is one the many mommies of the babies who have heard, "It's not you, it's me."  Reading I Kings 19 may be a trigger.  Rejection's sting and peculiar sight, smell or taste may rise, unexpectedly, from the pages of scripture.

If a Bible reading of Hagar or Elijah's servant becomes desperately inconvenient, a few more readings may inconvenience loneliness' desperation:

1. Elijah fled Jezebel's death threat but he took his servant with him.  Leaving the servant to Beersheba may have been an act of kindness because:
1. Separation from the object of Jezebel's scorn decreased the likelihood of execution;
2. Beersheba was a place of covenant (Gen 21:27), abundant water (Gen 21:25) and an Abrahamic grove (Gen 21:33)
2. Beersheba means "well of seven" with archeological records confirming there were two major and five minor wells in the city.

Elijah may have indeed left his servant in Beersheba but he left the servant in a good place.  He didn't have answers, was not in a good space and may have known his limits.  Dumping the servant may have been for good and seeing good rise from the text was for my good.

I was triggered, by this text, in remembering past rejections.  If you've been minding your own business before being unexpectedly overwhelmed by a memory or emotion, snap your fingers thrice.  Pause and snap, snap, snap.

If triggers and the sting of rejection mean nothing to you, this read has been a waste.  Shameful, really, that you poured some of your life into reading meandering thought.  It's not your fault.

It's not you, it's me.