Grieving Patricia Pickens: Bearing The Yoke

Speak well of the dead. ~ Chilon of Sparta

My mother died on a Wednesday.  We talked about preaching.  "If you ever mount a pulpit, resist telling the people how sick you are; how you narrowly escaped an auto accident on your way to church.  There are two reasons.

"The first is that no one cares.

"The second is that they have come to church because they are sick or reeling from disaster.  They have come because they need a word of hope.  Telling them of your ills works against your assignment.  If you cannot encourage them, step away and find someone who can."

The Sunday after she died, a church was scheduled to vote on my pastoral candidacy.  A weekend of interviews, meals and worship was planned, culminating in preaching before the vote.  What better way to begin walking alongside a congregation than by testing my mother's words?

A pastor is trusted to walk with people when they are sick, reeling from disaster and mourning the death of a family member.  Deciding to maintain the candidating weekend proved my mother's words to be true.  Three days after she died, my wife and I spent the weekend with a people in need of hope.  My grief was not going to encourage them and the choice to step in, rather than away, made all the difference.

With a broken heart, I stepped into each handshake and hug; into each conversation and interview; into each room and prayer circle.  Unfinished burial plans ushered me into the pulpit and haunted me in the receiving line.  They voted unanimously, having sampled my allegiance to my mother's words.  She posthumously catapulted our family into a great adventure.

Questions about the health and safety of tamping grief down in the name of professionalism are warranted.  When I miss the mark the Body of Christ offers people like Kenneth Haugk:

We don't live in a vacuum.  Other circumstances in life can affect our grief.  Our family or work responsibilities affect how much time w can devote to our grief and also when, where and how we grieve...Our culture, traditions and heritage affect the way we grieve, as do our individual personalities...How we handled previous losses, our current responsibilities, health issues, physical fitness, stress, whether or not we witnessed the death, our religious beliefs and our support system can also dramatically influence the issues and feelings we encounter as we adjust to the lost of our loved one. (Haugk, K. Journeying Through Grief, Book 1, page 22)

Only now, in pausing to grieve, do I see the gift of Patricia Pickens' words to me.  

She gave me the gift of scripture in childhood and affirmed my decision to minister.  Twelve years after her death, I see, "It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young." (Lamentations 3:27).  Pastoring in the decade after her death was a young man's game. 

I am grateful for the empathy her suffering, and mine, produced in me for care givers.  I offer supply preaching and a listening ear more readily because I know how much they meant to me. 

Journeying Through Grief has become a staple in our family's response to grief.  We use the resource with neighbors, colleagues and people we hope to meet one day.  

We use the books to speak well of the dead.